Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal