My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
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My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Living the best life.. 😊
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Happy birthday to all the women
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
People buying plungers never look happy.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us