The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
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The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Print is alive and well!!!