Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead