A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
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Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
6. me as a lawyer
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”