me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.