Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
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It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My Guy
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.