Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding