When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
*launders Kohls cash*
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.