My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!