Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
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I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My daily affirmation
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.