“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
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Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Breaking news:
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming