Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
You Might Also Like
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.