Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
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The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.