GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks