Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.