I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
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Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
as is their right
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.