Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Leaving the Barbers like
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
just gave your address to some spiders
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”