The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying