I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Its a hippotatomus
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.