“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
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No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
🤣🤣
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet