Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.