This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
You Might Also Like
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.