Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
You Might Also Like
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is