Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
man i love columbo
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Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier