There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
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chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES