“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead