As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
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Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water