I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
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INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
(2022)
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?