So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
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The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.