I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
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You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
spot the difference
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.