me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
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15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.