We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
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4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
That’s a good costume, I hope.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.