[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
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If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
All I鈥檓 saying is, no word鈥檚 meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU鈥橰E NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I wish I were this cool 馃槀
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
This will never not be funny 馃槶
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.