Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
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Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I need a headline like this
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?