[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
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My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.