*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
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If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Punctuation Matters. Period.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
Flowers bee like
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.