Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
You Might Also Like
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!