Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still