Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
“How’s your day going?”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works