Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial