Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
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Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
No. He’s not coming out to play
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
A French press is when you hug naked
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Life is a suicide mission.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.