*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
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me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
That earthquake could have been an email.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator