Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“A little help here, Danny?”
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them