[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
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A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.