detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
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i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
How I’d get arrested…
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.