How dude HOW?!
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Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no