Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
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Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude