The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
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Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
wait.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
There are no pants in heaven.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on