I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
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Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
This kinda thing happens to me often